Happinessecrets

Seeing the life differently!


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The mirror

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Photo source: Pinterest

How can you step over dead bodies
In order to raise yourself
Even in your own eyes?
How can you say that you smile
When you stick your teeth in my carotid?
How can you feed yourself
With the sap of crushed flowers
Stepping on them until exhaustion?
How can you sleep soundly
When you disturb everything around you?
What you’re seeing in the mirror
Every morning, when you’re waking up?


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Guillotine oppressed love

Photo source: Pinterest

Photo source: Pinterest

In indian file
Love walks cuffed by ankle
And hunchbacked by colossal boulders;
With a knife stuck in the eye…
From the wound ooze pus, screams
Fake smiles that could kill in an instance
Guillotine shaped words…
The tears have dried up long ago
They say lack of rain it’s the reason;
There are surrogates of tears
Promoted in television and beautifully packed
Even surrogates of rain, I’ve heard…
Love walks tied at mouth
With another knife stuck in the forehead
From which ooze imperceptibly
Venom dispensed in chinese water drops…
Love walks hungry and doomed;
The plain it’s fertile
But her hands were amputated…

Love is reduced to silence…


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Emptiness

 

I love the night! I just enjoy the silence, the rain and the sound of my old friend: the clock. He reminds me that the time is the only that separates us from infinity, it might be also the one which wakes us up from eternal dreaming…
Tonight I’m not alone, I’m just sitting in front of somebody, we stare at each other for long time without saying a word. I break the silence and looking in the other person’s eyes I just ask: “What’s wrong?”.

She’s playing with her hands looking down shy, I can see her beauty, I can feel her pain. Did you noticed that when people are sad they tend to be more beautiful than they actually are?

“I just feel empty” she answers still looking down. “You know, I have everything, I had everything and everything goes just perfect. Sometimes I’m so busy thinking on what I’m going to do later, wanting to do everything fast and perfect, blaming myself that I’m not even close to perfection and I realize that my time just flies and even if I accomplished everything at the end of the day, I still feel empty and lonely. Sometimes I just watch tv for hours or listen music, even cleaning the clean house to not feel like this anymore. Sometimes I call desperately my friends to go out, I change the furniture, I change the jobs, even the friends, hoping for a better life.”

My heart stopped for a second and I could swear I felt the same someday, when thinking that if I change everything around me I could stop my workaholic friend: the inner voice, of reminding me that everything is not as it seems to be.

“You know, I think I need to fall in love!” she said smiling between tears. “No, actually I’m afraid to fall in love. How I’m gonna manage everything? I don’t even have enough time for myself…” she continued smiling sadly. “I envy the people with happy families, happy jobs, happy everything and I just wonder myself how they manage everything so easy while I’m struggling for perfection and at the end of the night I can’t even sleep. All I want is just a normal life!”

I take her hand and looking at her I try to give my best even if the doubt knocks at my door and my restless friend: the mind, it’s about to kick me:
“There is no happy everything, there is nobody perfect, there is no perfect timing, there is no perfect job, there are no perfect friends or perfect love, there is no perfect day, there is no perfection! This is the beauty of the life! We can’t live hoping for perfection, thinking to do everything fast and “perfect”!
Life is not an equation, you can’t calculate every step to get the result!
When was the last time when you stopped from your marathon and you just looked around you? Do you still see the faces of the people around you or you just call them “people” and run faster? When did you stopped the last time and looked at the sky? When did you looked at the dance of the waves? Did you ever saw it? What about the trees and the birds? This is perfection, not killing yourself running!
I felt empty too and I still feel sometimes, when I forget to stop from running and not just that I look around and see the beauty, I look inside myself to see why I’m not feeling at peace and I try to find if I wasn’t aiming too high, checking if my expectations are not too big. I always have a dream, a wish, a target to carry out, but I try to live the present too. I listen my mind when it has something to say, but never believe it and never trust it completely because there is nothing you can predict and sometimes is not everything about thinking and calculating, it’s about feeling too. It’s enough to just listen your mind without take it personally, without judging, trust me!”

I close the terrace door, I take her hand and even if she starts to vanish we both go to sleep. I take her with me knowing that tomorrow she might be stronger and she’s gonna try to defeat me again.

 

 


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Improving your life using assertive communication

How many times you got the feeling that you speak with somebody and that person doesn’t understands you and your needs? How many times you got angry with friends, family or your soul mate, when they did something you didn’t like and you started to feel that they don’t care or they don’t love you enough because they don’t respect your wishes? Did you ever think that maybe you didn’t express your needs and your wishes effectively?

As I mentioned in the previous post we need to learn assertive communication in order to improve our relationships, we need to learn to express ourselves and to respect other’s people choices too. But before we start with assertive communication we should speak about communication.

Communication is the interchange of thoughts, opinions or information by speech, writing or signs. Read carefully the statement again, which do you think is the most important word? In my opinion “interchange” is the most important. Therefore, is very important to express your opinions and needs to other people so they can understand you and as long it is an interchange you have to listen to other’s people needs and opinions, to understand and respect them. There are 3 types of communication types:

  • Aggressive communication:

This type of communication is a method of expressing needs without taking in to account the welfare of others. The persons who communicate like this are perceived as selfish and unwilling to compromise. I will give you an example:

Let’s say Mark is discussing with Peter, they are having different opinions about cars, Mark instead of listening Peter’s opinion calls him stupid straight away and refuses to listen to his arguments.

The aggressive communication is usually linked to desire to hurt others or to revenge and it might reflect poor emotional development.

  • Passive communication:

This type of communication is a form of expression that is ineffective and maladaptive. The people who are using this type of communication are afraid of confrontation and they don’t feel to have the right of making their wishes and desires known.

Now let’s take Peter’s reaction, from the same example. Even if he knows he is right and Mark doesn’t have any right to call him stupid because he has a different point of view, he starts feeling guilty and instead of defending himself he agrees with Mark and on top of that he tells him he is sorry, only to avoid the confrontation.

This type of communication can lead to feelings of anxiety, anger, depression and helplessness.

Usually the type of persons like Mark and Peter they feel attracted to each other and they are making a good “team” in a funny way 🙂

  • Assertive communication:

Donald’s Medical Dictionary defines assertiveness as: “a form of behavior characterized by a confident declaration or affirmation of a statement without need of proof; this affirms the person’s rights or point of view without either aggressively threatening the rights of another (assuming a position of dominance) or submissively permitting another to ignore or deny one’s rights or point of view.”

Now if we go back to Mark and Peter, how do you think they should react and which is the correct result of their conversation?

Assertive communication involves respect for the boundaries of oneself and others and it should lead to cooperation in order to fulfill the needs and wants, also being assertive means to mix the compromise with the negotiation. In order to change your life, your relationships, to gain confidence and to improve your communication you should try to use the assertive rules as a guidance.

THE ASSERTIVE RULES:

  1. I have the right to be my own judge when I say and when I do something.
  2. I have the right to express my needs and to accept NO as an answer.
  3. I have the right to take decisions and to be responsible for my choice.
  4. I have the right to be independent.
  5. I have the right to behave as I want and to not give any explanations for my own behaviour.
  6. I am not responsible for finding solutions to other’s people problems.
  7. I have the right to change my mind.
  8. I have the right to make mistakes.
  9. I have the right to say “I don’t know”.
  10. I have the right to say “I don’t understand”.
  11. I have the right to say “I don’t care”.
  12. I have the right to have “healthy” relationships without relying on others opinions, approval and confirmations.
  13. I have the right to intimacy.
  14. I have the right to say “Yes” or “No” without feeling guilty.
  15. I have the right to stand up for myself and for what I want.
  16. I have the right to be treated with respect.
  17. The OTHER PEOPLE are having the same rights as YOU!

Being assertive also means not tobe manipulated by others and their “good” intentions, because in the end you should be the only responsible for your behavior and nobody could know your needs better than you and also nobody could know which is the best decision you can take, not even you. 🙂 Because of this you are allowed to make mistakes.

Is not enough to follow the rules, we have to add to this the acceptance. We need to accept that people have different needs, different points of view and everybody sees the World differently, but this can’t stop us to be friends and to have healthy relationships. We need to accept that some people are introverts and they like to be left alone sometimes and some people are extroverts and they like to go out, to party and to meet new people. We also need to accept that everybody evolves in a different rhythm and that is a waste of time trying to bring somebody on the same level like us.

According to the psychologists 93% of the communication process is not the words we use and it takes more than words to express ourselves and our needs.

  • 7% represents the words we speak
  • 38% represents how we speak the words: our voice tone, and volume
  • 55% represents non verbal body language, gestures and facial expressions

To make it easy for you, here you have The Triple A Formula:

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As a conclusion: it’s not enough to use words in order to communicate, we have to be aware of our voice tone, body language and facial expressions. If we add to this the assertive rules and the acceptance we have the perfect recipe for having good relationships and improving our life. We have to get to know ourselves better, to find out which type of communication we are using, we have to be aware of our mistakes and bit by bit to start following the assertive rules. It might take time but I promise you it worths to try! We have to accept that life is beautiful and acceptance is freedom and by being free we can have a life more than beautiful.

I wish you happy communications! 🙂


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Taking off your masks

Photo source: weheartit.com

Who are you? Yes! You, the one you are reading now. I want to know who are you! I don’t want to know your name or your profession or your titles, I want to know who are you. The real you! I invite you in “The World of no masks required”, I want you to accept the challenge of taking off all your masks and starting to know yourself today. I want you to meet the real you! I want you to present me your qualities, your weaknesses, your fears, your dreams, your scars, you..

Most of the times I just hear people speaking about unhappy relationships and they are wondering: why doesn’t work like in the beginning or why that person changed so much? Why? Well, the answer is: what type of mask did they wore when they met that person? Did the person changed or one of their masks felt down and the partner just had the surprise of seeing another person, not the one they expected to see. It sounds familiar? Did you ever think about this? No? Then tell me: what kind of mask do you wear when you ask for a raise of your salary or what type of mask do you put when you ask for a favor or what mask do you wear when somebody hurts you and you can not afford to tell him (her) off and for a change you just smile and pretend everything is fine? You understand now? Why do we wear masks?

Everybody knows Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and his pyramid. He divides the individual needs into five categories and to reach the higher-levels you need to master the basic ones, it doesn’t work the other way around. These are the categories:

English: A colorful depiction of Maslow's Hier...

Photo credit: Wikipedia

  1. Physiological: breathing, food, water, sleep, homeostasis, sex, excretion
  2. Safety: security of: body, employment, resources, morality, the family, health, property
  3. Love (belonging): friendship, family, sexual intimacy
  4. Esteem: self-esteem, confidence, achievement, respect of others, respect by others
  5. Self actualization: morality, creativity, spontaneity, problem solving, lack of prejudice, acceptance of facts

Now you might wonder what Maslow is doing here, when we speak about you, in top of that: you unmasked… We are all wearing masks, every day, every half an hour, depends on the situation and our schedule for that day. I mentioned Maslow’s pyramid to explain that we tend to use masks on the second and third level. How? We need a job in order to have a normal life and how we are keeping our job? We agree to wear the masks imposed by the employer, maybe in the beginning just because we need the money and then we continue by wearing them to not lose our jobs. Then we have a strong need of belonging to something, to somebody, to a group, and what we are doing? We wear again masks just to feel we are not alone. You meet a new person and you fall in love, that person tells you that loves ravioli and you want to impress her. What you are doing? You learn how to cook ravioli or you buy them and you pretend that you cooked, in top of that you say that you are an expert in Italian cuisine. What’s next? I let you continue the story…

What’s wrong on wearing masks? After a while is not fun anymore and you start to experience the “secondary effects”: stress, feeling guilty, depression, sadness, you are in a funny mood when you need to go to work, you are feeling trapped sometimes, you realize you have unhappy or unhealthy relationships, your “friends” are turning their back to you, you feel that you don’t recognize yourself anymore and so on. You start to lose your identity, you don’t know who you are anymore…

And what’s the solution? Quit your job and change your friends! I’m joking 🙂 From my point of view you should think about what you like, what talents do you have and what you would really like to do for living and to try to become an expert in what you choose. You also should try to remember that is never to late for doing what you like in life, as long you add some passion and some dedication. Also, you need to focus on what you choose to do and to try to perfect yourself before you think about money. I’m not saying that money is not important, I’m just saying that you should focus on being the best and money it will come eventually. You don’t need to quit your job tomorrow, you just need to find out what you like and start building bit by bit until you can survive from what you choose to do.

You also need to spend more time with yourself, to discover yourself without the masks imposed by society. You need to find out who you really are and what type of persons would you like to have around and to start to searching for persons similar to you. We need to learn to act natural again, without caring what other people might think or that we might lose somebody’s “friendship”. In order to have healthy relationships we need to learn the assertive communication, we need to learn to express our wishes and to respect the other’s people choices too. We can’t change the World and the “need” of wearing masks until we lose our identity, but we can change our little World and we can choose to be free!

I wish you a happy unmasking!